U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
