Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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