I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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