I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
