can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
