Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
