i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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