the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
