Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
