You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I need moral support for this bender
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Randomize
