She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
