The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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