My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
