just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
