If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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