I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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