Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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