I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Randomize
