and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
