My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
