While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
