I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
