The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
