Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
