God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
