i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
