Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
