someone get that fucking seahorse.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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