it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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