I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
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