took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
