32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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