Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
