I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
