In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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