i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
