I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Randomize
