Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Randomize
