I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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