you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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