i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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