I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
