You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
