Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I need to calm my uterus...
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize