You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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