you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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