I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
