the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
