so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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