We won't sleep together?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
